I've a lot of unwelcome thoughts running around in my head today, most of which have to do with relationships. Why is getting along such a difficult thing to do sometimes?! Is it really necessary to take everything personally? As hard as I try to avoid conflict, I seem to find myself smack dab in the middle of it often. Why is that, I wonder.... My tongue is bleeding from biting it over the past several months. Totally self-inflicted, I know. That's about to change..... Yep, I'm admitting (once again) that I am human.
At the risk of being just plain ole negative today, I'm going to let off a little steam anyway. So, run and get an umbrella (or a complete outfit of water proof clothing) and get an eyeball full of my sludge. I'm going to be slinging some. That was your warning.
First of all, it makes me so unhappy that people find it funny/necessary/or whatever to use the word "retard" or "retarded" in a joke or to insult someone who is behaving or not behaving in a particular way. It is not a joke around here. Period. Those of you who know me and our family, you know why. It is offensive on every level. In music it means to slow the pace down. I get that and do not take offense when used in the PROPER context. When it is used in any other way, I have to pull the dagger out of my heart and stitch up a deep wound that takes a long time to heal, and always leaves a nasty scar that recognizes the wrongdoer from at least a mile away, and never seems to forget where the injury came from. More than enough said.
*Taking a deep breath*
Next, I am not out to get anybody. I do not have time to sit around and think of ways to hurt someone's feelings, cause problems in their home (yeah, I'm putting the guilt/blame back where it belongs -- on them!!) or run around and gossip about every little detail of someone else's life. In case there's anyone out there that hasn't noticed, I've got my hands FULL over here. No extra time -- zip -- to fabricate a plan to bring anyone down or blow out someone's light. It's not on my list of priorities, nor any other list for that matter. So, I don't need a lecture about that either.
*Inhaling and exhaling a little bit deeper*
And another thing..... I'm not baking 8-16 hours a day for my health! It's enjoyable, yes, but I am trying to help with our family's income. It's exhausting!! It is not cheap to raise a child with disabilities. The rewards are so much greater than any expense could ever be, but it does take money, and lots of it. When I am no longer on this earth, Christine and her family will have that responsibility. It would be unfair of me to leave her with nothing to work with. So, I get up, try to get orders for the day or week, and start working on filling them. At the end of each day, I wonder how I will ever make enough money baking bread to contribute to Will's survival when I'm not here anymore to help. I'd love to get to the point of having a bake shop outside our home, but I realize that may not happen. I'm working toward it, but trying to be realistic at the same time. So, I'm working on getting some pre-school-aged children's books published. There's not a lot of money to be made off of each individual book, but the more I do, the more there will be to leave behind.
Lately, I've been feeling more of a sense of urgency to move a little bit faster with everything (baking and books), which makes some people feel that I am being pushy. Too. Bad. Just say, "No, thank you" each time I ask, if it's not something that appeals to you. It's ok. I'm a big girl. I can take it. I'm still going to ask. Maybe more than once or twice.
Well, have you had enough yet? I think I have, for now anyway. I'm not trying to be unkind or mean or anything. I just needed to vent. Thanks for letting me. I did warn you, didn't I? I know.... wah, wah, wah ;)
I'm still holding on to HOPE (and a little bit of my sense of humor). Sometimes, it's all I have.
"Give us the strength to encounter that which is to come, that we may be brave in peril, constant in tribulation, temperate in wrath, and in all changes of fortune, and down to the gates of death, loyal and loving one to anther." -- Robert Louis Stevenson